Stacey: I started collaborative, online erotic story with you about edge play with extremely short people, and then, when it got too scary, let my roommate Tom finish it. Tom really liked writing the story with you. Then, when Tom got too scary, I moved out. You should not reply to any further emails or requests for contact, because I'm pretty sure Tom is now detained at her Majesty's leisure.
Majumba: I deleted all your racist comments.
Robert: There was no charity event. All the donuts went to me.
Brian: I don't bathe for a month and then I ask all the hookers to call me "King Brian."
Ady: I did actually find your bra
Margaret: I've strongly suspected you don't like oneiric detective stories
Aisha: That whole weird thing when I had the flu for a week and I wanted you to give hand jobs to strangers while you were on the bus and come back and tell me about it -I stole that from a Lars Von Trier movie. Seriously, you deserve so much better than me.
Loren: I pay extra to call the hookers "Loren."
Tom: I told you I would steal all your stories and become rich and famous. If you haven't guessed already, it was me. Now I'm in Bangkok to commit another series of horrific crimes against extremely short people and there is nothing you can do but read about it online at the prison library.
Stephen: I don't know how this happened, but your baby is mine. I know it.