Owing to popular demand, complaints of eyestrain and blindness, the rarity of any new printed material to read, the supreme narcissism of its author, a threatening scarcity of ISBN numbers and the menacing surplus of trees, we here at “Van Choojitarom” have been given to consider realizing some selected episodes of your favorite online entertainment that does not require history deletion, The Encouraging Voice of the Labyrinth, into printed form, that is a ”book”: something that you can finally write “My god, how brilliant” and “Bravo!” into the margins of, dogear, take to summer camp, misplace badly and spend the day cursing and looking for, threaten your children with and be seen in public with just in time to really impress people at your school reunion, that is, totally destroy them, causing them to go home early not talking to their pathetic overweight spouse, who is not you and not a published genius, continue drinking morbidly eventually cutting up all their baby pictures and half-heartedly trying to set said overweight spouse on fire with mainly empty bottle of white zinfandel.
Indeed, all this, and somewhat more, can be yours for an altogether reasonable price, just in time for the holidays, your illiterate boss’ birthday and the upcoming end times when copies of said book will be worth more than gold, water, petrol or semi-fertile girl-slaves.
In order to realize this bold project, however, we here at “Van Choojitarom” would like to know, which pieces, exactly of that noted enterprise, The Encouraging Voice of the Labyrinth, are your favorites that you would like to see printed (feel free to suggest items from La Phoenix Rouge, or At the Sign of the Yellow Sphinx as well), indeed are so beloved that you would like to give up your own painfully hand copied pelt manuscripts that many of you trade among yourselves in favor a nice, clean, professionally set and edited version on acid-free archive quality paper in a handsome binding made from Sadium, the amazing skin-like material that feels like human skin, but not in a creepy way. Some stories may be printed individually, as The Extremely Portable Van Choojitarom Reader.
The Encouraging Voice of the Labyrinth being vast, a complete list of contents have been provided below. We personally find that the easiest way to find a particular piece is simply to google its complete title and “Encouraging Voice of the Labyrinth.” True, you do tend to get returns for “Voice Labyrinth Encouragement Systems, LLC” (no relation) but the desired story is generally in there.
Please post your responses here in the form of enthusiastic, yet still intelligible comments or email “Van Choojitarom” directly at firstname.lastname@example.org
As always, my humble thanks. We have always enjoyed being your guest in your home or when you are supposed to be working. We are asking you to take this final step with us, the one we’ve always talked about, where I finally appear in print and you finally tell your overweight spouse and you clean out your bank account and meet a copy of the book at the airport. Then, we’ll finally be together.
Yours most truly,