Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Turkey Within

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of dining with me, I am, in addition to being a charming and dashing dinner companion, by universal account, also a wonderful cook. In fact, around this time of year, family and friends, wives and mistresses often ask me “what is it that makes your turkey so perfect?” and “why is my cranberry sauce so inferior, why am I unhappy?” and “is this pumpkin pie –or a god?”

I can only answer them simply and trivially with the words I learned from my master: perfection comes from within.

My master himself learned this from something on a tea box. The tea box itself already came enlightened for that was its name, “Enlightenment Tea”

The secret to a perfect turkey every time, without effort, stress or worry is to remember that the turkey is the picture of the human soul, your human soul. The turkey is you.

The Occult and Hidden Origins of Thanksgiving

As we all know, Thanksgiving comes from the Indians, that is, the ancient doctrines of esoteric Indian ascetics that were taught to the Pilgrims –themselves self-denying seekers after purity, to consecrate the inevitable destruction, consumption and mutilation of a pure and prior state of consciousness, namely the Americas.

This is the true meaning of Thanksgiving: it is a harvest festival, a time celebrating the appropriate time for destruction and consumption, acknowledging that all things are subject to change and decay, that all things are consumed, like breath, and that all things are, as Heraclitus observed, exchange for fire.

Your Turkey and Self-Understanding: The Science of Turkey Reading

It is from this esoteric tradition that we get the occult science of turkey reading.

The turkey is oneself, the picture of what we will, for the sake of convenience, call one’s “soul,” the great bird within all of us that seeks to take flight. Every year we carefully prepare and offer our turkey dinner, that is our very soul or self, as a sacrament and sacrifice to those who love us, our family and friends; because of this, it can truly be said that how our turkey and fixings come out is a great indicator of our true spiritual condition.

Undercooked Turkey
For instance, if your turkey is cold, hard or frozen on the inside, this is a good sign that you may have trouble with procrastination and are afflicted with sloth, topor or depression. The center of your turkey remains cold and gelid, because your mind also remains unprepared and frozen.

To counteract this, begin the training and preparation of your mind and turkey as early as possible. You and your turkey must leave bed and refrigerator early, without hesitation, so as to better thaw out properly.

Let the acts of proper concentration and right mindfulness be the rosy dawn that breaks early within the oven, preheating it. You will then find the emptiness of the oven, the emptiness within you, warm and receptive.

Dry Turkey
A dry turkey is indicative of an overheated character overtaken by wrath, anger or otherwise unaware or failing in mindfulness.

The antidote to this kind of character is meditation on loving kindness, or metta, in the form of regular and generous basting. If your turkey or soul is naturally too dry, you may add broth or butter, but be careful not to overdo it, as there is nothing quite as nauseating as a soul or turkey that is too oily and unctuous. Be sure to add lots of herbs and seasonings to the basting, so as not to wash away all the flavor in the process.

Late Turkey
If your turkey soul comes out later than it should, vexing guests and loved ones, this may be because you check the oven too often, losing valuable time and heat energy. If this is the case, you may suffer from doubt and anxiety, a form of intellectual restlessness that destroys its object by checking on it too often.

The best therapy for this kind of turkey related failing is as follows:
  • Turn the oven light on; observe the turkey in great detail and how it is doing.
  • Then turn the oven light off and continue to visualize the turkey.
  • Place the mental image of the turkey, not in the oven in the wall, but in the empty space within your abdomen, two finger lengths above your navel.
  • Focus on this mental image, keep the turkey inside of you and your turkey will always be ready, aware and awakened at the proper time, perfect and juicy without stress or worry.
When the turkey is ready, you will simply know.


Individuals who cook their stuffing inside the turkeys have a fear of nothingness and nonbeing when what they actually should fear is salmonella. They attempt to counter this fear of nothingness and nonbeing with breadcrumbs and walnuts, but the results are often soggy and undercooked.

The enlightened way to prepare stuffing is to prepare and bake it separately.

To be enlightened is to realize that this seemingly auxiliary and accessory dish is actually the most important and most beautiful part of Thanksgiving. It is designed to fill a hole that it never actually fills; it is the supplement, that, as Derrida observes, is actually central to the whole, and because it is so critical it is totally unnecessary and full of excess carbs.

And so to be enlightened is to give away this precious stuffing that is not stuffed with the seriousness of Prince Gautama giving away his wife.


Those who focus excessively on dessert are afflicted with sensuality or what Aristotle called an appetitic personality.

For such individuals, it is recommended that they meditate upon a rotting pumpkin for thirty days to perceive the loathsomeness in all food and the nature of decay. For this purpose, the Halloween jack-o’-lantern should be retained.

If you Eating Tofurkey Or Turkey At Shelter

Those eating Tofurkey or receiving their turkey through alms are already Enlightened;
Tofurkey eaters have no attachment to the pleasure of eating and eat to sustain themselves only.

They have realized that the Turkey is the self; there is no actual turkey; there is no actual self.

Just as a wheel is defined and organized by the empty space for the axle, or the donmut by the hole that prevents it from being a mere beignet or Berliner, the turkey is defined by the empty cavity within it: it is created, organized and made real by the non-being it contains.

This emptiness that is the turkey, is, in turn is placed within another emptiness, the oven; this placing of an emptiness inside another emptiness represents the mind and the universe, which are both empty and infinite for 3 hours at 450 degrees or for all time with no heat, no light and no motion

In Conclusion

“What is the nature of Thanksgiving?” you may well ask. The nature of Thanksgiving is leftovers.

The turkey, like all things that are, is destroyed and consumed. Yet the things that compose the turkey, its component matter and energy cannot be destroyed or consumed, only change their state and organization.

They live on, through the law of Karma, in form of turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey casserole, and so on, until one realizes that it is one’s attachment to the illusion of self-turkey that propels its endless iterations and binds us to the realm of Being.

May your Thanksgiving be well and happy, and free from suffering, attachment and delusion

Monday, November 24, 2008


Tabitha told Shelly she put poison in the dinner. They giggled. They were called to the table. Everyone ate and drank a lot, especially Uncle who had to drive so far. Auntie got a bad stomachache. Shelly looked at Tabitha. Uncle started yelling at Poppa: Poppa had had enough, too. Somehow money came up. Now Mom felt sick. When Uncle came back from his truck, he had his gun. He demanded the antidote. Mom said he was crazy. Poppa told him to go fuck himself. But there’s no poison, no poison at all, Tabitha told the officer. She died last.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody! (does not count toward word total)