Monday, June 23, 2008

A Short, Yet Interesting Guide to Obscure and Forbidden Martial Arts

a typical instructor in Arak-Muong


Arak-Muong is the oldest, most obscure, most forbidden, and most powerful martial art: it is said that the original artists of Arak-Muong did not have arms, but fought among the stars; what we call Arak-Muong is believed by some to be their elementary warm up exercises: they are deadly all the same. Masters of Arak-Muong differ on the question of its exact degree of remove from its source, but all agree that the distance is enormous, if not even astronomical: Arak-Muong is merely a conventional placeholder name indicating “faint pantomime of masterful alien skill of irredeemable harmfulness toward all beings, living or dead.”

The earthly practitioners of Arak-Muong are divided into two camps: the abominable Arak-Amok, who wish to use its power to destroy all sentient things, and the noble Arak-Arak, who wish to unite all enlightened souls simply to destroy all humanity.

Arak-Muong-Arak also has a kind of meditative Tai-Chi practice, where certain silent moves are practiced alone such as: “hurling the earth into the sun”; “removal of the head and eyes” and “brain: biting and sucking.” These intricate moves are performed ritually in the dark, with infinitesimal slowness, usually to terrify a helpless victim. A more advanced form of meditative practice consists in glowering at plants and animals until they wither, die and evaporate.

This is not to be confused with other martial arts that seem to be based on a different number or configuration of arms and conception of pain, such as:

Martian Foot Boxing

Only a martial art in the weakest of senses (our general sense for what the Martians do being quite weak, as much as their typical manner of doing it), Martian Foot Boxing is, to its credit, perhaps the only sensible doctrine of offensive physical attack available to creatures that are basically big feet. However, this doctrine basically amounts to simply kicking people and running away. The Martians have wonderful and unconvincing romances of their heroes using this “technique” (the Martians have no real concept such as techné) to great effect, kicking various monsters, rivals and objects of affection –the Martian equivalent of a “fair maiden” in these tales; Martian epic romances tend to start off heroically, and then degenerate into a Punch and Judy sort of narrative, usually ending when one main character simply eats the other out of frustration. As Martians tend to act out whatever narrative “story” they are telling (their notion of “telling a story” also being quite different) in a fairly literal way, interested listeners are well advised to excuse themselves before the story reaches its conclusion.

Dim Soo

Dim Soo, on the other hand, is primarily a human martial discipline, at least for much of its known history, if not in its origin.* According to most accounts, the teachings and techniques that comprise Dim Soo can be simply traced to a line of nameless pale monks from inside the Hollow Earth. If there is any truth to this, it would go far in explaining the many of the features peculiar to Dim Soo: its emphasis on senses other than sight, close quarters grappling, and lurking. It would also explain why its basic posture is crawling. Indeed, Dim Soo is absolutely unique in its development of nine master forms of crawling, slithering and oozing (Dim Pak, Dim Waz, Dim Sam Sook, Sim Mi Dim, Sim Pak, Sim Er, Pol Pak Dam, Pol Pak Er, Pol Pak Waz). According to legend, the masters of Dim Soo reside in a grand palace inside the earth, the color and temperature of bone. It is, however, also described as wholly empty.

*The fact that mastery of several forms can only be achieved by repeatedly breaking several small and major bones and requires permanent hyperextension and dislocation of numerous joints has led some to suspect that it is not.

"Dim Soo" or "Dim Sook" can also refer to the unique Braille-like tactile script in which much of the practice of Dim Soo is recorded. It is supposedly impossible to create false propositions in this script, but it has not attracted much outside linguistic study as some characters of Dim Soo are razor sharp and a great deal of bleeding results from early study.

Thrifty parents may be very attracted to the free summertime instruction offered in Dim Soo in some areas, at any number of cool, convenient subterranean locations. Parents should, however, bear in mind that children who fail to achieve a certain basic proficiency in the simple forms of Dim Soo are sometimes not returned to the surface. This may also be true if the child is too proficient. However, most parents of mediocre students of Dim Soo report a great deal of satisfaction with the program: children with former significant behavioral problems invariably return as extremely quiet, focused, obedient and limber youngsters who now appear silently behind one without calling, indeed, before any sound can be uttered. Problems with childhood bullies promptly resolve themselves immediately, or at least as soon as the next school spelunking field trip.

However, some parents report that they never feel comfortable with their child's new silent and sardonic deportment; others express nothing but satisfaction at the sudden total absence of mole or gopher problems and the radically increased basement space.

Noch A Chochem

Noch A Chochem, or Art of Deadly Insult, is a distinctly human discipline, indeed the most human and comparatively well known of the lethal arts represented here. Noch A Chochem is probably also the most paradoxically anomic and refractory “anti-disciplines” in existence. It is taught entirely in practice with no preparatory or secondary instruction, by means of direct and sustained attack on the pupil, who is encouraged to respond with any means at their disposal. There is no practice of Noch A Chochem, other than on a human and feeling target and all blows are delivered at full force and speed directly at the most vulnerable and exposed parts. Progress in Noch A Chochem can only be measured by the increasingly savage speed, viciousness and originality of attack. There are no real defenses in Noch A Chochem, only the capacity to redirect or return the blow.

It is standard form in Noch A Chochem, for participants to begin and end by talking about “what a great guy” their opponent is, how much they personally love them, and how everything they say is “just kidding.” This is expressed in one of the mottoes of Noch A Chochem: I kid because I love. These preliminaries and formalities fool no one, of course, and novices can be expected to actually physically stab their masters “through the fucking heart” before attaining their borscht belt.

The greatest practitioners of this art are believed to live in small communities in New York and New Jersey and its ascended masters in elaborate palaces found in the Nevada desert.

Leibnizian Epiphenomenal Aikido

Leibnizian Epiphenomenal Aikido is a combination intellectual, spiritual and physical discipline that aims at inner peace and happiness. Intellectually, the discipline consists of compelling philosophical argumentation to the effect that all causal relations are an illusion, as mental and physical events simply unfold in parallel to a pre-established harmony. Spiritually, it directs the student to the realization that this is because the order and occurrence of events are chosen from the set of all possible events by a wise and benevolent God, in order to create the best of all possible worlds Physically, the discipline consists largely of mutual strangulation. Progress in the first two aspects is measured by the degree of beatific composure and understanding in the third, as in seen in the expressions of the strangler and person being strangled.

Weapons training receives a particular emphasis in Leibnizian Epiphenomenal Aikido, as its practitioners seem to have an especial sense for the conservation of momentum and the resistivity of material objects. Rather than belts or awards, as the pupil progresses, their predicates are made more complete.