Monday, February 16, 2009

Great Local Places to Drink

The Living Room

No list of great local drinking establishments would be complete without mentioning this perennial watering hole. Centrally located to just about everything, the living room boasts a wide variety of comfortable, lived in seating, from the broken folding chair with a towel on it, to the very popular green “hybrid” couch rescued from the curb some five years ago. Here you can enjoy a variety of beverage, include a wide selection of different domestic beers and fine malt beverages on sale from the local grocery, whose paraphernalia, in the form of bottles, boxes and cans, form an integral part of the room’s décor, (and, in some cases, its furnishings) all creating an intimate and familiar atmosphere for drinking steadily and alone. Patrons can enjoy a variety of programming on basic cable, sometimes even somewhat recent blockbuster films during free preview weekends. Sports fans can also stay connected to the action through live broadcasts and updates on AM radio. The living room is always open, whether for a refreshing extended pause in the middle or early part of the day, planning an important meeting, checking the news and weather, relaxing in the afternoon with a block of cartoons and Sewing with Nancy, having quiet private dinner, or a largely silent personal party that goes on until the break of dawn in an endless cycle that never ends, the living room is the place for you and for drinking. Frequent patrons may even find some limited overnight accommodation there by propping their feet on the TV tray, though some numbness and upset of said tray and other furnishing usually results. Patrons staying overnight should remember that the couch has no built in restroom facilities.

The Kitchen

For an even more informal atmosphere, why not go direct to the source, to the kitchen? The kitchen boasts the coldest beer and as much ice as those little trays can make. Even though service is counter only with no real seating, the kitchen boasts a full menu, including leftover take-out, cereal, pancake batter and bread crumbs, all with a variety of exotic condiments from the area’s local vendors. For a real adventure, try the freezer, where you will find a variety of frozen meats and vegetables from that new plan of yours to start a new life by cooking more, ruptured Otter Pops and even slices of birthday and wedding cake that you haven’t the courage to throw out.
The kitchen is the ideal destination for late night and other dining, and is the only guaranteed source of solids in the area; though it provides catering to the living room, only the kitchen has the extensive reheating and refrigerating facilities that the true gourmand demands. Ask about the special “over the sink dining” for patrons on-the-go.

The Bathroom

Another forward thinking establishment that cuts out the middleman, the bathroom boasts simple but adequate seating and a variety of collectable reading material –a library and a spa in one. Though not as popular as the other establishments, the bathroom is the one place that, sooner or later, everyone is going, if they know what’s good for them and can remember where it is. The bathroom features extensive facilities for a variety of needs, whether freshening up, taking a whiz, seeing a man about a horse, pinching a loaf, or really letting it all hang out, going for a little drive and freshening up, the bathroom boasts a fully functioning shower that will have you feeling as fresh as a daisy, with a little shelf that can accommodate an entire six-pack. The bathroom also boasts the only local place to drink with a still functioning mirror in it, as of this writing. Overnight accommodations are available, but not recommended.

The Front Yard

Tired of the whole “indoor scene” with its endless quiet drinking and weeping? Why not go for fresh air and the great outdoors with the front yard. Though a much more public establishment, the front yard is a robust, outdoorsy, “business casual” venue: no shirt, no shoes –no problem! It’s only the front yard. Whether exchanging words, opinions or recyclables with neighbors or negotiating with local law enforcement, the front yard is a refreshing and sometimes violent step outside the ordinary. Overnight guests are asked to wear pants.

The Bedroom

Quietest and most intimate of a long line of intimate quiet places to drink, the bedroom is the only venue actually designed for overnight accommodation, which it does superbly well. Enjoy a quick nightcap or two, whether sitting on the bed itself stifling sobs, comfortably nestled in one of several piles of laundry, or tenderly curled up with Mr. Bear and the other buddies in the sheets, you are at the front gate to the happiest place on earth, except for those screaming nightmares. Ask the manager about the special schnapps kept on hand if this happens to you.

This is where it all generally ends and begins.


Stephen said...

This is an extremely high quality blog post.

Jordan said...

I realize that you were probably listing all of your own personal drinking spots, but I have also found that, if you are a party of one or two, the closet is a nice cozy drinking spot, especially if there are all kinds of crazy and/or frightening shenanigans going on outside the closet door. The garage/basement/tool shed/treehouse are also good drinking spots if you happen to live with your parents.