Tom Ronca's Xmas

Illustration from "Santa vs Gaira-Hint: Santa Does Not Win And Is Eaten Along With His Elves" by Tom Ronca

To love Tom Ronca is to love the creature that destroyed your village, then to realize that it was you who created the monster, but not the monster's bride, which you then resolve to create, but don't necessarily get around to it until you are older and a little more focused and settled down with a steady income, but then you finally make the monster's bride and it doesn't really work out, for a lot of reasons, but you tried and in the end you end up spending more time with the monster's bride than the monster (for a lot of reasons), until one night you're watching Frankenhooker together and it just feels right and the next day you realize you've made a terrible mistake, because what are you going to say to the monster now? Then you ask yourself if you're the real monster, because you have, after all, just made it with the monster's bride, but then you look at yourself in the mirror have a good long look with natural, not florescent, lighting, and you think, no, the monster is probably the monster, though maybe you will lose the 'tasche now that Brad Pitt is doing it. So it's a nice day and you do for drive and you try that new healthy place and you realize you don't really want to be that healthy and you pretty much dump the monster's bride, too, after a couple of weeks because, after all, it's really fricking weird having made her and everything, and so she ends up taking this really dumb job that she hates, like, to spite you or something, and dating this Indian doctor who's actually kind of a jerk and so you drink too much at their Christmas party and drop things, catered things, into their infinity pool because since when do Indians and monsters celebrate Christmas together anyway, and this you really do do, just to spite them and you do a bunch of other stuff and it ends up with you being called a racist and totally ruining your pants falling down a steep hill and it's then, it's then that you see the monster, staggering out of the flames of their shattered place, brave, triumphant, unstoppable and it's then that you call to him, like a father, to carry you to your car.