Winter 2008

Jack came back chewed up, nearly dead. The others died. He meant it this time. He was always at Father Jonathan’s side now, helping out. Patti had started using again, so it was no surprise she vanished, but then they found her. They said it was a pack of dogs. Somebody killed Robbie and Consuela, too, and dogs must have come after. John went on the news about the shelter. The story went national. Jack organized the whole thing, helping to raise millions. Father Jonathan never stopped praying for Jack, but could not stop him. The shelter closed that spring.

Late Fall 2008

It was fucked up. We were fucked up a lot. She had a lot of old connections: I remembered Jack from the clinic. Things got really rough and we had to leave. We agreed to cut down. At least stop biting people. We rented with my last savings. She was out a lot. I had the internet. I thought we were straight, but in the trunk of the car she had kept their wallets and jewelry. She didn’t want to fuck me before she left. When the police came, I realized I hadn’t changed. I was just a naked loser.

Fall 2008

You had to watch her and not just the cutting. She was hard to believe, but what had happened to her was unbelievable. What I really wanted was to save her. I got reported. I came back. I busted her out. I am still glad I did that. We went south in a car with hot air and spilled beer. She was covered with scratches. I could not get her off me. I woke up bruised with a crust of blood. She licked her snout and padded over. She licked my wounds. I held her until it was dark again.

(The autumn previous to this summer)

Martian Language and Culture: An Introduction

Martian has 216 forms of “spoken” “punctuation”, all of which appear to be represented by sharp kicks; only an experienced Martian speaker can tell the difference: the beginning and intermediate student has to be content with asking the Martian to repeat himself and paying close attention to the reply. Functionally, each form of punctuation appears to be roughly equivalent to either the comma or the semicolon, or the expression “and another thing that gets me is…”

Some have argued that the Martians have no language proper, but rather "a string of endless random signs interrupted by abrupt punching and running away."

The actual rules of Martian (as much as can be inferred) seem to vary greatly depending on who is speaking, who is being spoken to, what is being talked about, whether the speaker likes talking about it, etc... Each Martian effectively has its own idiolect, which changes daily. A further complication is that it is considered rude for one's actions or behavior to have any relation to one's language. The only certain constant is the punching or kicking for which the Martians have 7,653 synonyms; a Martian sentence is not really considered complete unless it has about 30 of them

The most popular human cultural product for Martians is Garfield: this is because Garfield the cat closely resembles a character from their classical pre-drought literature. Martian “Garfield” is not a cat, but a malign demon that lives inside Martian “Jon Arbuckle's” primary non-ruminant stomach. Like Garfield the cat, however, Martian Garfield is malicious, selfish and cruel, primarily concerned with eating, sleeping, insulting Jon and defecating inside of him.

The only notable point of difference it that these actions eventually drive Martian Jon Arbuckle to acts of incest, cannibalism and murder, (though the order varies by strip).


Hence the t-shirt now popular among humans:

Garfield shits inside me

[This is here transcribed using XIPA Method I, the arrows indicating roughly the kind, angle and intensity of the kicks.]





Martian Romances


Martian romances are basically tales of disenchantment. Almost every Martian Love Epic has a scene after the couple first realizes their great love for one another where they meet a recurring stock character, an old hermit that describes, in exhaustive detail, the challenges the pair are to face and the adventure ahead, culminating in a dire warning. Everything the hermit says is, without exception, completely wrong and does not happen. Scholars believe this character was invented to insure the story was properly disappointing and to prevent people from interrupting.

The couple then embarks on a heroic journey together which is invariably longer and less interesting than the couple had anticipated. All that follows is all falling, accreting action, in the form of complaints, veiled criticisms and long, drawn out arguments, which form the heart of the Martian romance, as captured in this justly famous line,





''At first you were interesting. At the first time, of you, this report: more interesting

Today speaking
I view other [mental content] time of your communicating from time of period of consciousness beginning
sleep following"



These “grievance duets” expand in intensity and frequency, for the remainder of the romance, sustained entirely by the couple, with the exception of the occasional passer-by who is dragged in:





Why are you doing this
To me? If I could burn you, by [ejecting] my [spleen-head] [off] setting it on fire
On the sacred mountain
And hitting you with it
I would.
I only work here.

This last line, being one of the most famous in Martian Literature.

In any case, the frequency, intensity and personal criticism of the exchanges grows and grows, until they express clearly the mutual desire that the other is dead. This typically leads to a tender scene in the fourteenth or twenty-second act where one of the couple, typically through a series of reversals and annoyances, discovers the other and believes them to be dead, whereupon they express their relief and gratitude in a gentle aria of soaring hope and violent ill-treatment of the beloved’s “corpse.” The “resurrection” of the dead partner generally causes dismay and complaint. This “Romeo and Juliette” plot mechanism is a favorite of Martian romances and will often be featured in them up to five or six times in the same given romance.

Celebrity on the ≤ 10 -6 Scale

The International System of Units/Système International d’Unités Official Guide to Celebrity on the ≤ 10-6 Scale

11th Annual Celebrity Metrology Conference, Las Vegas, Nevada




Microcelebrity

Person in front of you at Open Mic Night/last guy to leave drumming circle/has-been from Sheila Bishop’s Cabaret

Nanocelebrity

Hey, you brought donuts!

Picocelebrity

Man, some asshole is eating all the donuts.

Femtocelebrity

Name published in the well-read journal The Yellow Pages

Attocelebrity

Name published in the less well-read White Pages

Zeptocelebrity

Yes, that would be you on your driver’s license.

Yoctocelebrity

Theoretical lowest values for celebrity. One or more of the following minimally apply:

• Can recognize own self in mirror, or
• Corpse can be identified by mother
• Are minimally distinct by Leibniz’s Law

Things I have Invented, How Brilliant They Are, Why the World Continues to Ignore Them

Trans Siberian Minimalist Post Goth

What is it?

Goth music, without all the distracting changes and “music” and with the addition of “wolves."

How Brilliant Is It?

Totally brilliant.

Why the World Continues to Ignore It

Not enough wolves.

Talky Pop

What is it?

Talking Popcorn Bucket. Asks “who is that?” “where is he going?” “Isn’t he really Superman?” Reminds viewer of product tie-ins, cracks wise, answers cell phone

How Brilliant Is It?

Not really all that brilliant

Why the World Continues to Ignore It

No popcorn bucket, however sophisticated, can replace Grandma

Steinman Power 7 Artificial Heart

What is it?

Artificial Heart That Plays “Total Eclipse of the Heart”

How Brilliant Is It?

Merely clever

Why the World Continues to Ignore It

All things considered, not a very good song or artificial heart.

Mace Lite and Mace Jr.

What is it?

Personal defense without all that stinging harshness. When you want to incapacitate someone …but not all that much. Comes in different scents: Jalapeño, Habanero, Summer Breeze, Holiday Potpourri and Traditional Mace

How Brilliant Is It?

Somewhat

Why the World Continues to Ignore It

Never went beyond development: people sampling Mace Lite and Mace Jr. could not tell the difference from regular mace; also complained of not being asked if they wished to sample Mace Lite and Mace Jr. and “blindness.”

The Erotic Chess Story

What is it?

The most erotic and intellectually stimulating thing ever.

How Brilliant Is It?

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

Why the World Continues to Ignore It

Mankind apparently not ready for golden age of ultimate entertainment.

Major Gif: His Adventures in the Public Domain

I am an astronaut



The things I have seen



You would not believe.





In every world, however, I have seen the same thing




The struggle to survive




Often cruel.





Senseless.




Or cruel and senseless.




But always a struggle



To the death